by Alison | Dec 31, 2014 | .
Xmas has gone and the end of the year is fast approaching.
There will always be empty seats at my Xmas table. Kids are on the move, some families are scattered, some are deceased and for me there seems to be constant change.
I have racked my brain for weeks now to try and explain myself, as for many it seems that I hold onto my story to identify me. In some ways my story is me but it is not about my story, it is about never being whole again.
So before I begin I sincerely apologise to anyone who has lost a limb or thinks me crazy.
When Laila died I felt as if I had lost a part of me so, try and imagine that I lost a foot. I had to experience the loss, the process of it healing, having an orthotic made and then learning to walk again with two feet. Being whole again but not quite and always being reminded of this adjustment.
When Aidan died I felt as though I had lost my other foot and was now completely unbalanced, but this time the process was a lot harder and so was the loss, and I took more time to heal, to get up again and to try to be whole – although this will never be. My body will always be missing two essential parts and although functional and whole, a daily awareness of what is not there!
The reminders are constant.
It is not that I cannot live life, or enjoy life or celebrate life it’s just that there are nudges that I feel every day. Some small and pass me by easily, others bigger that make a dent in my day and some so large that they cause pain and tears.
I live and I laugh and I cry.
I do wish that my life could just be constant for a while without change. Like some folk around me whose lives meander and thrive. Whose ups and downs are minor and ‘normal’. But that does not seem to be the journey that I have embarked on.
At times it wears me down and I wish the earth would swallow me but most of the time I embrace each day and get into it, on with it and deal with what is thrown at me.
I am blessed in many ways – work, friends and family.
I try not to talk about me, how I am truly feeling or how sad I am or how much I miss Aidan, or Laila and how empty my Xmas table is…
This is not for my benefit but for those around me as I know that for many they do not know how to talk about the dead, or don’t want to upset me or are just getting on with their lives. But I like to know that those are remembered and not forgotten.
You can give birth to, adopt or foster and still feel the same when there is loss or absence of those at your table.
Life is a challenge and my path is unsteady as is my gait. However I will climb the mountain, I will walk the journey, a little wobbly and uneven, uncertain and unsure, pausing along the way to catch my breath and steady myself.
I’ll look to the sky and witness the beauty, I will smell the earth and marvel at nature, I will take each day as it dawns, I will suffer, I will be sad, but I will also love and be loved, I will create and educate and enjoy and laugh.
When I think of joy I think of wretchedness, when I think of happiness I think of sorrow – they fit together like a warm familiar glove.
But I am who I am.
I do get up each day and accept the responsibility and obligations that… being alive, having children, a partner, work, family and friends …brings. That challenge I embrace and take seriously and pay it forward.
It is this that keeps me going, that makes this all worthwhile.
So as the minutes tick by towards the start of another year I would like to wish you all a wonderful, peaceful, healthy, year ahead. To those who are facing health or family challenges I wish you bright skies and sunny days, a full soul, new memories and cherished moments, and a brave heart.
Love and courage
X Alison
by Alison | Oct 26, 2014 | .
Today, on the 26 October 2010 @ 2.00 pm we met and said our public farewell to Aidan.
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu
To remember today I thought I would share a few photos of my boy – to make us smile…
xOx
by Alison | Oct 20, 2014 | .
I sit at my computer and for once I’m short of words.
Its a beautiful day, blue sky and sunny, calm and warm. My phone beeps to remind me of the text messages coming in remembering A.
We celebrated Aidan last weekend on the hilltop with champagne and a wonderful sunset, surrounded by friends and family.
Thank you all for being a part of Aidan’s life. For loving him and for remembering him.
Time does not stand still, new memories are constantly being made, life needs to be lived, new life continues the cycle and adds joy to our lives.
So, today I will remember my boy, his love of life, the joy he brought me and you, his strength of spirit and determination and celebrate him.
To my boy…
I salute you
X Alison
by Alison | Oct 19, 2014 | .
As I sit bathed in the early morning sunlight I fell battered and bruised. Burning eyes and a dense sadness constricts my heart. Staring out over the water to the island in the distance I should feel joy at just being alive, and healthy in such a beautiful place.
Last night I sobbed as if my world was at an end. Wounded by words and lack of. I did not think that I could hurt that much anymore – and I did which was a surprise! Realising that I can break more…
I know that the dawn of the 20th is on my horizon and that these weeks of October are huge, unspoken obstacles that I need to face and climb over annually. But it’s not just about October. It is about losing my children. Not just my blood children but all of them. Adopted children of the heart will always have three parents. Two blood and one other. It is always being the other that is tough and comes with no guarantees. With blood children love is unconditional and it is only the journey of life and the choices made that can tear it asunder. I hope that the unconditional love I have shared is enough and a future will unfold. I cannot get over, and on, with my grief and unmentionable sadness. I have lost both my blood children and their unconditional love.
Now I watch other journeys from a different spot and yearn for what was mine.
As I remain in my chair and the sun warms and spreads I’m gently nudged to look and listen. The birds are singing, my immediate world is waking and a new day is on its way – for better or for worse. The gentle breeze wraps itself around me as it moves past and I hear Aidan whisper ‘ hello mother’
I have fought and struggled so hard to still be here, and standing. Living and breathing each day. I cannot allow grief and words to strike me down and destroy the brittle thread that anchors me – or I will not survive. I might look solid but my will is fragile.
My life is full of wonderful people. Friends, family and adopted heart family.
– It is full of ‘moments’ to be remembered
– It is full of sunshine and passing days
– It is full of memories that sustain me
– It is full of laughter and tears
So I need to stand tall, breathe the sunshine and be still within to find my strength and fight, so that no one can destroy me, except me (or my body!)
One of the greatest lessons I have learnt is that I can only be who I am. I can only do my best and if it isn’t your best well I’m sorry about that. The universe never gave me a book on life as I left the womb. But I have always tried to live my life, to care for others, to give of myself, to stand in my own shoes, to be independent and always, to pay it forward. To give my children a good life and to be with them when they suffered and to comfort them when they had to leave.
I’ll toast the evening of my life tonight. I’ll welcome the dawn tomorrow. I’ll cry and rejoice for Aidan and for all those who love him… and then I’ll soldier on.
To my boy, I thank you for being you, for being so open with that love, for trying to shelter me in my dark days when we lost Laila, for pushing me to journey on, for our move, our new life, our laughter and warmth, honesty and for just loving me as your mom.
I miss you every day but carry you in my heart – always. X
by Alison | Jul 5, 2014 | .
I sometimes sit and write and then scrunch it up and throw it in the bin, yes, I still write on paper ! Reason being is that I think the general public get tired of hearing about how sad I am or how difficult life is. Even though I say and write the words I still get told that time will heal, or that I must toughen up, or that it will get easier.
The truth is that it will never get easier, or that time will never heal me as I will carry this with me till I no longer breathe on this earth. But I am toughening up…
I attended a conference recently and one of the speakers spoke of losing her ability to speak when her son died. My initial thought was why did I not crumble, collapse, lose my speech, go to bed for months and just be a heap? Because that is not who I am. I get up each day and face what lies before me and have done this since my father died when I was 16 and my mother took to her bed.
So I think I toughened up in 1975.
Not knowing what the future holds is a blessing and so I forged ahead and collided with sadness again and again and again. Grandparents, mother, daughter and son.
But what joy and fun I have had in between and continue to have, and what incredible friends and family I have and have gained along the journey without which I would not be able to stay in this world.
When a fire sweeps though the land, everything is scorched and bleak. Months and years pass and the beauty slowly emerges and joins with the darkness showing its splendor. This is how I feel.
My darling boy showed me his darkness, his courage, love and his light. My darling daughter was magnificent in dealing with her suffering, pain, darkness, love and understanding. I owe so much to both of them for being my children and for teaching me so much and for sharing their love and journey with me.
It is because of them that I do get up everyday as they would expect this from me, to always be there for them and for those that I love. So I will celebrate each day and allow myself to cry, be sad, miss them and be miserable yet still smile, laugh as loudly as I can, drink a few and remember my wonderful children.
To Laila and Aidan – my love always
your mother
