by Alison | Jan 9, 2016 | .
Today is Laila’s 21st birthday
Laila was a loving child with a delightful attitude and a welcoming embrace. I loved returning home and seeing her with her nose stuck through the security gate, squealing with delight and laughter that I was home. In hospital she would be so happy to see me and would always welcome me. That is how I think of her.
She was an unexpected gift and one I will always treasure.
I have visions of how she looks, and of her and Aidan, together.
I think Aidan wanted a sister from the time he took his first breath. That desire was constantly made known especially to Santa on his present list.
When I told Aidan he was going to have a sister, he beamed with happiness. That delight never abated and it was wonderful to watch the two of them together and the love they had for each other.
My life’s journey has been strewn with difficulties, but one of the most difficult was having to tell Aidan that his sister was sick, and then a few months later that she was going to die.
The Doctor had talked to me when Laila was diagnosed with Aplastic Anaemia. She said Laila had a 50/50 chance of survival and if the time came that we were being unfair to the child and being selfish, she would tell me.
In the early hours of Christmas morning 1997, I was woken by a telephone call, urging me to get to the hospital soonest. When I got to intensive care they had put Laila on a ventilator. Her doctors decided to try a procedure they had not attempted before on a child, as a last hope that her body would allow itself to heal.
I drove to see Aidan and arrived before breakfast. Instead of celebrating Christmas and opening gifts I sat and told Aidan, his father and granny that we had to prepare for the worst and that Laila might die.
It broke my heart to see Aidan weep with such pain and anguish.
We had a week together in intensive care.
I usually arrived at the hospital about 6-ish and would sit next to Laila so that I was there when she woke up. On the 31st of December during ward rounds, her Doctor sat beside me and said it was time.
And so began those dreaded calls that I had to make. Explaining that I had made the decision to take Laila off the ventilator and to let her be.
I invited all those close to me, and to Laila and Aidan, to share the time if they so wished. We arranged to be together at 3pm. The Doctor agreed to have Laila taken back to her ward room that she knew, and which we had made into her own.
Whenever Laila had spent time in hospital, we always put photos on the wall: her own blankets on the bed, her pillowcase, her toys and her favourite doll, plus beautiful fresh flowers.
I was questioned if I was making the right decision, but I knew in my heart that she was tired, as she had bitten me a few nights before, something she would never do. But she was frustrated.
She had tubes everywhere, she could not lie on my lap and I could not lie with her. Everything she wanted was too hard… her eyes would bore into mine and my heart would hurt.
We took her off the ventilator and onto an oxygen tube that sat under her nose, her oxygen bottle on the bed and we wheeled her to her room where those that loved her waited.
The nurses put Laila on my lap and removed the oxygen. I held her quietly and just looked at her, whispered to her and loved her. Aidan sat beside us and the room was full of love, memories and sadness. I will be eternally grateful for the support and love we were shown that day.
Time passed and Laila just breathed softly until she breathed no more.
My beautiful 11 year old boy who held his sister when she was born – who said hello and welcome to the world – was now a witness to her passing.
I put Laila onto Aidan’s lap and let him love and hold her, and to say goodbye.
Laila Vaun Rip – the bestest daughter and sister
Born 9 January 1995 – Died 31 December 1997 – Buried 6 January 1998
Time does not heal, it just helps you to keep breathing…
by Alison | Oct 20, 2015 | .
I was driving through the Hinterland, listening to the radio and enjoying the bright blue sky and warm sun when the music stopped and an interview began.
Obviously not my day as they were interviewing a social worker from a children’s hospital who was discussing how to deal with kids in intensive care. Then in the ad break they were promoting Maccas and their drive to raise funds for sick kids. I sort of slumped a bit in my seat and my body felt heavy and slouchy. The interview picked up from where they had left off, and the interview got more intense about the need for honesty with sick kids and especially their siblings.
That got me started.
Had I said the right things to Laila and Aidan. Had they understood and had they been OK. Did I use the ‘die’ word and not the ‘sleep’ or ‘pass over’ words….
Words were tumbling in my brain as I cross-questioned myself and looked back trying to remember.
I know that my kids were fine and we all knew and understood what was happening and we all loved each other with ease and honesty. There was no need for me to be falling into this space.
I looked at myself in the rear view mirror and wondered why my face is not etched with deep ravines and gorges reflecting my tears and sadness. I feel as though that is how I should look, marked.
My face is not a window to my soul and I don’t think anyone else wants to gaze upon a crater like face, crazed with grief. I know that laughter and a smile makes me feel better and I think it makes those around me feel more comfortable.
But inside I am heavy with a sad heart.
I find it hard to believe that 5 years have passed … already! It is quite unbelievable and difficult to comprehend.
Time keeps passing, new memories keep being made, the sun keeps rising and the moon will set.
I too will keep pace with time until my pace falters and is no more. I will keep count of the years and watch the clouds dance above me and hold my memories close and listen for the laughter in the wind.
I’ll sit on the hill beside my pirate chef and toast my boy, remembering all of him that I love and miss and feel sad for me.
The sun will set, and as the stars rise I’ll head home. The memory of the moment deep within me, saved not to be forgotten.
I’ll love you forever A
your mom.
20/10/2010
by Alison | Oct 10, 2015 | .
Stepping out of the shower I stepped between two worlds of time.
The now continued to hum around me but the past stood alongside me and with me.
It felt as though time set its own speed according to the pace of my life and activities. Sometimes languid, at a steady trot or speeding past at an unstoppable pace.
I stood wrapped in my towel with the past whispering in my ear soft and gentle.
The years fell away and five years became a moment. The familiar voice hung in the air. My tears ran unabated and my heart was grateful to hear those tones and the playful humour and affection that sits in the timbre of them.
Swiftly the end days were back and vivid in that step between times.
For the past few months my memories had been that of watching a small boy grow and repetitive. Remembering those baby years, the pre-school and school ones, events, holidays, rugby matches in the rain and the mud, saxophone concerts and the pleasure and delight of passing time.
That beautiful warm smile, the boy with a huge heart and a big soul who held my hand and brought me endless days of warmth and love.
September was childhood cancer awareness month and for some it would be a celebration of life as it is to me.
I celebrate Laila and Aidan’s life every day. Not every minute as daily events keep me focused and on track. But somewhere in my day will be a moment – a reminder.
All it takes is a feather, a book, a photo, a familiar laugh, a song, a gift, a memory recall or a sunset.
The push to remember will never go away as it threads its way into my life, blending itself into the texture of my skin, becoming a willing accessory to my everyday life.
A child’s lifetime of moments and spirit will find a way to nudge my day. Often bringing a smile or a glow to my heart. Other times it will be my undoing as the pain and remembrance create a ‘why’…
I miss you, my throat burns and the despair engulfs me and I’m forced to acknowledge the sadness before I can put it to rest again.
My name is called and I’m jolted. The pain in my heart eases and my mind settles down as time strips back and leaves me aware of where I am standing, in the present.
It’s another new day and I need to step away from the past and back into it the now.
Wiping my face I look forward to another time between worlds and time.
October is full of days to be remembered and celebrated.
10/10/2010 a wedding and a daughter
15/10/2010 a real wedding
20/10/2010 a passing
26/10/2010 a funeral and a celebration
One step at a time…
AAA
by Alison | Jul 26, 2015 | .
Moving is not hard for me as it’s a decision made, a time to go, to start again with new opportunities.
It is the packing that is hard.
The unpacking of memories, opening them up, reliving them and then having to consciously decide which mementos to keep and which memories to keep without the tangible reminders is tough.
So many are childhood memories of mine, of my family, of my children and of my adopted kids or for another word – stepkids.
The honesty of youth is a beautiful thing, which I found in the handmade cards, the artwork, those spontaneous mementos that were left on my pillow, the gifts, and the ‘things’ they left behind.
I miss that honesty and easy love that came with it.
The journey of growing up is often clouded by misguided advice, peer pressure, friends and ego. The path of adulthood is not easy and is strewn with obstacles and hurdles.
Mine was tumultuous! I think I managed because I never blamed anyone for it I just accepted what life threw at me and kept moving forward.
I kept my head high, my focus forward and I loved those who walked beside me, who loved me, cared for me and who shared those teenage years and held my hand into adulthood. We laughed and cried, had wonderful times, down times and a few battles and demons but we kept walking, together.
Looking back I don’t believe any of us had an easy journey. Those that know me have heard me say that I believe we experience hell on earth and by Jove I have enough character!!!
I think it’s important in order to survive to not take on board other people’s issues but to listen, acknowledge and offer support. I cannot be anyone’s champion just as no one can be mine.
My life’s greatest lessons have been:
– Don’t judge (there are always 3 fingers pointing back at you) unless you are perfect
– Be respectful to others, always treat everyone as you want to be treated. Rudeness destroys all your own good
– Don’t run away from situations and life – the situation will always reappear, trip you up again and again until you have dealt with it
– Communication is king
– Don’t hide behind texts and emails – transparency is a wonderful thing and face to face or phone calls prevent misunderstanding. The written word can never be erased.
– Be honest but don’t be mean – those words can come back and bite you
– Be careful what advice you give – you will sleep easy as advice is easy but the advice you have given might cause undue stress and sleepless nights to the recipient
– Be kind – it is not hard to be kind as behind every surface is a story
– Don’t blame your parents for your failings – successful people never do -examine your character and nature and actions.
Our individual journeys are just that. It is irrelevant what background or family circumstances we all come from. It’s a bit like school. Once you have moved on who asks you about school… Parents show children opportunity and give direction and guidance. Don’t bite the hand that has fed you and got you headed towards adulthood.
We need to all find the spirit, the independence, the tenacity, the staying power, the strength and joy of succeeding within ourselves.
We can all go through life blaming everyone around us for our failures and circumstances or we can stand tall and get on with it and say thank you for giving me the tools I needed to begin my journey and venture forth in adulthood.
All parents good and bad I do salute you for persevering as being a parent is a thankless job at times. We do it because we just love them, we watch them grow with delight, the childish honesty is a glorious thing and challenges us, the fun we have with them and to see them grow makes it all worthwhile.
Later the friendship that develops with them as they settle, and start to recognise the journey they are on, is familiar as they have witnessed ours. I wish Aidan had managed to stay awhile longer as we had reached that place.
So, after many smiles, many tears, much sadness in my heart I have packed away the unpacked memories to be stored and reopened another day.
I’m moving towards a new set of memories and will carry the old ones safely with me, close to my heart.
Love to you all
x
by Alison | Jun 24, 2015 | .
My boy should be turning 29 tomorrow, the 25th June 2015, and in my mind he is turning 29 and celebrating his birthday.
I’m sad but still so proud of him.
As the years glide by I am ever increasingly proud of him and as I look back and remember the years we have travelled, the life we had, he had and the happiness and the pain he endured as well as the acceptance of the end of his life. He did this with such grace and with laughter and a smile.
When you stand at the end of time, as the sun slowly sets on your life, facing into the wind… will you be at peace or have regret?
I believe time is a merging of events on a roughly travelled road.
There will always be those who kick up the dirt, others who travel respectfully and those who pass by so quietly you barely notice them. Some will be at peace, some will struggle, many will be oblivious and many will suffer.
We have little impact on those others but we do impact those who pass us by and stay awhile to mingle or remain.
Regret is an unnecessary burden in life that except for death, usually, is self-inflicted.
So many seem to believe that by apportioning blame to those close by, absolves them from bearing any responsibility for the mistakes, choices and decisions that they make.
None of us are given a handbook at birth and instructed on how to ‘live’. We just do.
Embrace it, kick at it, fight it, love it, live it, hate it – whatever – but that’s the journey. It’s not about who is to blame, or who damaged my childhood, or who needs to pay for it… it is about standing tall, being alive and going wow! This is my life and what should I do with it.
Life can be short, it is not a given that we will grow old together, and the next moment is unsure.
Don’t waste time,
don’t waste opportunity,
don’t waste time on the what if,
don’t waste time on the you owe me,
don’t waste time on I don’t know
just don’t waste time
don’t waste your life
live it,
try and enjoy the moments,
accept those around you as you cannot change them,
embrace life,
smile and be happy,
If at the end of your day you can throw your head back and stretch wide knowing you have no or little regret then you have journeyed well.
And I salute you.
In the morning I will sit with A and remember that laughter and the love he gave us. Although I will be sad he makes my heart sing.
To you A, my darling son and brother, who blessed Laila and I, our beautiful Aleisha, and the friends and family who loved him
Your mother – always
A
