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I sometimes sit and write and then scrunch it up and throw it in the bin, yes, I still write on paper ! Reason being is that I think the general public get tired of hearing about how sad I am or how difficult life is. Even though I say and write the words I still get told that time will heal, or that I must toughen up, or that it will get easier.
The truth is that it will never get easier, or that time will never heal me as I will carry this with me till I no longer breathe on this earth. But I am toughening up…
I attended a conference recently and one of the speakers spoke of losing her ability to speak when her son died. My initial thought was why did I not crumble, collapse, lose my speech, go to bed for months and just be a heap? Because that is not who I am. I get up each day and face what lies before me and have done this since my father died when I was 16 and my mother took to her bed.
So I think I toughened up in 1975.
Not knowing what the future holds is a blessing and so I forged ahead and collided with sadness again and again and again. Grandparents, mother, daughter and son.
But what joy and fun I have had in between and continue to have, and what incredible friends and family I have and have gained along the journey without which I would not be able to stay in this world.
When a fire sweeps though the land, everything is scorched and bleak. Months and years pass and the beauty slowly emerges and joins with the darkness showing its splendor. This is how I feel.
My darling boy showed me his darkness, his courage, love and his light. My darling daughter was magnificent in dealing with her suffering, pain, darkness, love and understanding. I owe so much to both of them for being my children and for teaching me so much and for sharing their love and journey with me.
It is because of them that I do get up everyday as they would expect this from me, to always be there for them and for those that I love. So I will celebrate each day and allow myself to cry, be sad, miss them and be miserable yet still smile, laugh as loudly as I can, drink a few and remember my wonderful children.
To Laila and Aidan – my love always
your mother