Xmas has gone and the end of the year is fast approaching.
There will always be empty seats at my Xmas table. Kids are on the move, some families are scattered, some are deceased and for me there seems to be constant change.
I have racked my brain for weeks now to try and explain myself, as for many it seems that I hold onto my story to identify me. In some ways my story is me but it is not about my story, it is about never being whole again.
So before I begin I sincerely apologise to anyone who has lost a limb or thinks me crazy.
When Laila died I felt as if I had lost a part of me so, try and imagine that I lost a foot. I had to experience the loss, the process of it healing, having an orthotic made and then learning to walk again with two feet. Being whole again but not quite and always being reminded of this adjustment.
When Aidan died I felt as though I had lost my other foot and was now completely unbalanced, but this time the process was a lot harder and so was the loss, and I took more time to heal, to get up again and to try to be whole – although this will never be. My body will always be missing two essential parts and although functional and whole, a daily awareness of what is not there!
The reminders are constant.
It is not that I cannot live life, or enjoy life or celebrate life it’s just that there are nudges that I feel every day. Some small and pass me by easily, others bigger that make a dent in my day and some so large that they cause pain and tears.
I live and I laugh and I cry.
I do wish that my life could just be constant for a while without change. Like some folk around me whose lives meander and thrive. Whose ups and downs are minor and ‘normal’. But that does not seem to be the journey that I have embarked on.
At times it wears me down and I wish the earth would swallow me but most of the time I embrace each day and get into it, on with it and deal with what is thrown at me.
I am blessed in many ways – work, friends and family.
I try not to talk about me, how I am truly feeling or how sad I am or how much I miss Aidan, or Laila and how empty my Xmas table is…
This is not for my benefit but for those around me as I know that for many they do not know how to talk about the dead, or don’t want to upset me or are just getting on with their lives. But I like to know that those are remembered and not forgotten.
You can give birth to, adopt or foster and still feel the same when there is loss or absence of those at your table.
Life is a challenge and my path is unsteady as is my gait. However I will climb the mountain, I will walk the journey, a little wobbly and uneven, uncertain and unsure, pausing along the way to catch my breath and steady myself.
I’ll look to the sky and witness the beauty, I will smell the earth and marvel at nature, I will take each day as it dawns, I will suffer, I will be sad, but I will also love and be loved, I will create and educate and enjoy and laugh.
When I think of joy I think of wretchedness, when I think of happiness I think of sorrow – they fit together like a warm familiar glove.
But I am who I am.
I do get up each day and accept the responsibility and obligations that… being alive, having children, a partner, work, family and friends …brings. That challenge I embrace and take seriously and pay it forward.
It is this that keeps me going, that makes this all worthwhile.
So as the minutes tick by towards the start of another year I would like to wish you all a wonderful, peaceful, healthy, year ahead. To those who are facing health or family challenges I wish you bright skies and sunny days, a full soul, new memories and cherished moments, and a brave heart.
Love and courage
X Alison
