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I was driving through the Hinterland, listening to the radio and enjoying the bright blue sky and warm sun when the music stopped and an interview began.
Obviously not my day as they were interviewing a social worker from a children’s hospital who was discussing how to deal with kids in intensive care. Then in the ad break they were promoting Maccas and their drive to raise funds for sick kids. I sort of slumped a bit in my seat and my body felt heavy and slouchy. The interview picked up from where they had left off, and the interview got more intense about the need for honesty with sick kids and especially their siblings.
That got me started.
Had I said the right things to Laila and Aidan. Had they understood and had they been OK. Did I use the ‘die’ word and not the ‘sleep’ or ‘pass over’ words….
Words were tumbling in my brain as I cross-questioned myself and looked back trying to remember.
I know that my kids were fine and we all knew and understood what was happening and we all loved each other with ease and honesty. There was no need for me to be falling into this space.
I looked at myself in the rear view mirror and wondered why my face is not etched with deep ravines and gorges reflecting my tears and sadness. I feel as though that is how I should look, marked.
My face is not a window to my soul and I don’t think anyone else wants to gaze upon a crater like face, crazed with grief. I know that laughter and a smile makes me feel better and I think it makes those around me feel more comfortable.
But inside I am heavy with a sad heart.
I find it hard to believe that 5 years have passed … already! It is quite unbelievable and difficult to comprehend.
Time keeps passing, new memories keep being made, the sun keeps rising and the moon will set.
I too will keep pace with time until my pace falters and is no more. I will keep count of the years and watch the clouds dance above me and hold my memories close and listen for the laughter in the wind.
I’ll sit on the hill beside my pirate chef and toast my boy, remembering all of him that I love and miss and feel sad for me.
The sun will set, and as the stars rise I’ll head home. The memory of the moment deep within me, saved not to be forgotten.
I’ll love you forever A
your mom.
