by Alison | Jul 26, 2015 | .
Moving is not hard for me as it’s a decision made, a time to go, to start again with new opportunities.
It is the packing that is hard.
The unpacking of memories, opening them up, reliving them and then having to consciously decide which mementos to keep and which memories to keep without the tangible reminders is tough.
So many are childhood memories of mine, of my family, of my children and of my adopted kids or for another word – stepkids.
The honesty of youth is a beautiful thing, which I found in the handmade cards, the artwork, those spontaneous mementos that were left on my pillow, the gifts, and the ‘things’ they left behind.
I miss that honesty and easy love that came with it.
The journey of growing up is often clouded by misguided advice, peer pressure, friends and ego. The path of adulthood is not easy and is strewn with obstacles and hurdles.
Mine was tumultuous! I think I managed because I never blamed anyone for it I just accepted what life threw at me and kept moving forward.
I kept my head high, my focus forward and I loved those who walked beside me, who loved me, cared for me and who shared those teenage years and held my hand into adulthood. We laughed and cried, had wonderful times, down times and a few battles and demons but we kept walking, together.
Looking back I don’t believe any of us had an easy journey. Those that know me have heard me say that I believe we experience hell on earth and by Jove I have enough character!!!
I think it’s important in order to survive to not take on board other people’s issues but to listen, acknowledge and offer support. I cannot be anyone’s champion just as no one can be mine.
My life’s greatest lessons have been:
– Don’t judge (there are always 3 fingers pointing back at you) unless you are perfect
– Be respectful to others, always treat everyone as you want to be treated. Rudeness destroys all your own good
– Don’t run away from situations and life – the situation will always reappear, trip you up again and again until you have dealt with it
– Communication is king
– Don’t hide behind texts and emails – transparency is a wonderful thing and face to face or phone calls prevent misunderstanding. The written word can never be erased.
– Be honest but don’t be mean – those words can come back and bite you
– Be careful what advice you give – you will sleep easy as advice is easy but the advice you have given might cause undue stress and sleepless nights to the recipient
– Be kind – it is not hard to be kind as behind every surface is a story
– Don’t blame your parents for your failings – successful people never do -examine your character and nature and actions.
Our individual journeys are just that. It is irrelevant what background or family circumstances we all come from. It’s a bit like school. Once you have moved on who asks you about school… Parents show children opportunity and give direction and guidance. Don’t bite the hand that has fed you and got you headed towards adulthood.
We need to all find the spirit, the independence, the tenacity, the staying power, the strength and joy of succeeding within ourselves.
We can all go through life blaming everyone around us for our failures and circumstances or we can stand tall and get on with it and say thank you for giving me the tools I needed to begin my journey and venture forth in adulthood.
All parents good and bad I do salute you for persevering as being a parent is a thankless job at times. We do it because we just love them, we watch them grow with delight, the childish honesty is a glorious thing and challenges us, the fun we have with them and to see them grow makes it all worthwhile.
Later the friendship that develops with them as they settle, and start to recognise the journey they are on, is familiar as they have witnessed ours. I wish Aidan had managed to stay awhile longer as we had reached that place.
So, after many smiles, many tears, much sadness in my heart I have packed away the unpacked memories to be stored and reopened another day.
I’m moving towards a new set of memories and will carry the old ones safely with me, close to my heart.
Love to you all
x
by Alison | Jun 24, 2015 | .
My boy should be turning 29 tomorrow, the 25th June 2015, and in my mind he is turning 29 and celebrating his birthday.
I’m sad but still so proud of him.
As the years glide by I am ever increasingly proud of him and as I look back and remember the years we have travelled, the life we had, he had and the happiness and the pain he endured as well as the acceptance of the end of his life. He did this with such grace and with laughter and a smile.
When you stand at the end of time, as the sun slowly sets on your life, facing into the wind… will you be at peace or have regret?
I believe time is a merging of events on a roughly travelled road.
There will always be those who kick up the dirt, others who travel respectfully and those who pass by so quietly you barely notice them. Some will be at peace, some will struggle, many will be oblivious and many will suffer.
We have little impact on those others but we do impact those who pass us by and stay awhile to mingle or remain.
Regret is an unnecessary burden in life that except for death, usually, is self-inflicted.
So many seem to believe that by apportioning blame to those close by, absolves them from bearing any responsibility for the mistakes, choices and decisions that they make.
None of us are given a handbook at birth and instructed on how to ‘live’. We just do.
Embrace it, kick at it, fight it, love it, live it, hate it – whatever – but that’s the journey. It’s not about who is to blame, or who damaged my childhood, or who needs to pay for it… it is about standing tall, being alive and going wow! This is my life and what should I do with it.
Life can be short, it is not a given that we will grow old together, and the next moment is unsure.
Don’t waste time,
don’t waste opportunity,
don’t waste time on the what if,
don’t waste time on the you owe me,
don’t waste time on I don’t know
just don’t waste time
don’t waste your life
live it,
try and enjoy the moments,
accept those around you as you cannot change them,
embrace life,
smile and be happy,
If at the end of your day you can throw your head back and stretch wide knowing you have no or little regret then you have journeyed well.
And I salute you.
In the morning I will sit with A and remember that laughter and the love he gave us. Although I will be sad he makes my heart sing.
To you A, my darling son and brother, who blessed Laila and I, our beautiful Aleisha, and the friends and family who loved him
Your mother – always
A
by Alison | Dec 31, 2014 | .
Xmas has gone and the end of the year is fast approaching.
There will always be empty seats at my Xmas table. Kids are on the move, some families are scattered, some are deceased and for me there seems to be constant change.
I have racked my brain for weeks now to try and explain myself, as for many it seems that I hold onto my story to identify me. In some ways my story is me but it is not about my story, it is about never being whole again.
So before I begin I sincerely apologise to anyone who has lost a limb or thinks me crazy.
When Laila died I felt as if I had lost a part of me so, try and imagine that I lost a foot. I had to experience the loss, the process of it healing, having an orthotic made and then learning to walk again with two feet. Being whole again but not quite and always being reminded of this adjustment.
When Aidan died I felt as though I had lost my other foot and was now completely unbalanced, but this time the process was a lot harder and so was the loss, and I took more time to heal, to get up again and to try to be whole – although this will never be. My body will always be missing two essential parts and although functional and whole, a daily awareness of what is not there!
The reminders are constant.
It is not that I cannot live life, or enjoy life or celebrate life it’s just that there are nudges that I feel every day. Some small and pass me by easily, others bigger that make a dent in my day and some so large that they cause pain and tears.
I live and I laugh and I cry.
I do wish that my life could just be constant for a while without change. Like some folk around me whose lives meander and thrive. Whose ups and downs are minor and ‘normal’. But that does not seem to be the journey that I have embarked on.
At times it wears me down and I wish the earth would swallow me but most of the time I embrace each day and get into it, on with it and deal with what is thrown at me.
I am blessed in many ways – work, friends and family.
I try not to talk about me, how I am truly feeling or how sad I am or how much I miss Aidan, or Laila and how empty my Xmas table is…
This is not for my benefit but for those around me as I know that for many they do not know how to talk about the dead, or don’t want to upset me or are just getting on with their lives. But I like to know that those are remembered and not forgotten.
You can give birth to, adopt or foster and still feel the same when there is loss or absence of those at your table.
Life is a challenge and my path is unsteady as is my gait. However I will climb the mountain, I will walk the journey, a little wobbly and uneven, uncertain and unsure, pausing along the way to catch my breath and steady myself.
I’ll look to the sky and witness the beauty, I will smell the earth and marvel at nature, I will take each day as it dawns, I will suffer, I will be sad, but I will also love and be loved, I will create and educate and enjoy and laugh.
When I think of joy I think of wretchedness, when I think of happiness I think of sorrow – they fit together like a warm familiar glove.
But I am who I am.
I do get up each day and accept the responsibility and obligations that… being alive, having children, a partner, work, family and friends …brings. That challenge I embrace and take seriously and pay it forward.
It is this that keeps me going, that makes this all worthwhile.
So as the minutes tick by towards the start of another year I would like to wish you all a wonderful, peaceful, healthy, year ahead. To those who are facing health or family challenges I wish you bright skies and sunny days, a full soul, new memories and cherished moments, and a brave heart.
Love and courage
X Alison
by Alison | Oct 26, 2014 | .
Today, on the 26 October 2010 @ 2.00 pm we met and said our public farewell to Aidan.
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu
To remember today I thought I would share a few photos of my boy – to make us smile…
xOx
by Alison | Oct 20, 2014 | .
I sit at my computer and for once I’m short of words.
Its a beautiful day, blue sky and sunny, calm and warm. My phone beeps to remind me of the text messages coming in remembering A.
We celebrated Aidan last weekend on the hilltop with champagne and a wonderful sunset, surrounded by friends and family.
Thank you all for being a part of Aidan’s life. For loving him and for remembering him.
Time does not stand still, new memories are constantly being made, life needs to be lived, new life continues the cycle and adds joy to our lives.
So, today I will remember my boy, his love of life, the joy he brought me and you, his strength of spirit and determination and celebrate him.
To my boy…
I salute you
X Alison
by Alison | Oct 19, 2014 | .
As I sit bathed in the early morning sunlight I fell battered and bruised. Burning eyes and a dense sadness constricts my heart. Staring out over the water to the island in the distance I should feel joy at just being alive, and healthy in such a beautiful place.
Last night I sobbed as if my world was at an end. Wounded by words and lack of. I did not think that I could hurt that much anymore – and I did which was a surprise! Realising that I can break more…
I know that the dawn of the 20th is on my horizon and that these weeks of October are huge, unspoken obstacles that I need to face and climb over annually. But it’s not just about October. It is about losing my children. Not just my blood children but all of them. Adopted children of the heart will always have three parents. Two blood and one other. It is always being the other that is tough and comes with no guarantees. With blood children love is unconditional and it is only the journey of life and the choices made that can tear it asunder. I hope that the unconditional love I have shared is enough and a future will unfold. I cannot get over, and on, with my grief and unmentionable sadness. I have lost both my blood children and their unconditional love.
Now I watch other journeys from a different spot and yearn for what was mine.
As I remain in my chair and the sun warms and spreads I’m gently nudged to look and listen. The birds are singing, my immediate world is waking and a new day is on its way – for better or for worse. The gentle breeze wraps itself around me as it moves past and I hear Aidan whisper ‘ hello mother’
I have fought and struggled so hard to still be here, and standing. Living and breathing each day. I cannot allow grief and words to strike me down and destroy the brittle thread that anchors me – or I will not survive. I might look solid but my will is fragile.
My life is full of wonderful people. Friends, family and adopted heart family.
– It is full of ‘moments’ to be remembered
– It is full of sunshine and passing days
– It is full of memories that sustain me
– It is full of laughter and tears
So I need to stand tall, breathe the sunshine and be still within to find my strength and fight, so that no one can destroy me, except me (or my body!)
One of the greatest lessons I have learnt is that I can only be who I am. I can only do my best and if it isn’t your best well I’m sorry about that. The universe never gave me a book on life as I left the womb. But I have always tried to live my life, to care for others, to give of myself, to stand in my own shoes, to be independent and always, to pay it forward. To give my children a good life and to be with them when they suffered and to comfort them when they had to leave.
I’ll toast the evening of my life tonight. I’ll welcome the dawn tomorrow. I’ll cry and rejoice for Aidan and for all those who love him… and then I’ll soldier on.
To my boy, I thank you for being you, for being so open with that love, for trying to shelter me in my dark days when we lost Laila, for pushing me to journey on, for our move, our new life, our laughter and warmth, honesty and for just loving me as your mom.
I miss you every day but carry you in my heart – always. X
