Last night as the wind changed, I wrote but my writing was very dark and lost which is not where I want to be. So, I waited till this morning. After wandering through the garden admiring king proteas, feeding fish and breathing in the fresh air after the rain, the words flowed easier and lighter.
I never wanted Aidan to die.
Aleisha and I fought so hard beside him, willing a miracle or for the drugs to work, because he so deserved to live. After having travelled the journey with Laila I wanted to grow old with Aidan.
He was so much more to me than just A. After having lost both my parents, with little family close by, Aidan just filled my heart with valve bursting joy. I loved him and Laila completely. He just loved us and brought so much joy into many lives. His kindness was huge. A was never ashamed to hold my hand no matter how old he was, to share his thoughts and emotions, to just talk and tease, to hug and to just love me.
I believed that he would always be here, and never gave a thought that he would leave so soon.
It’s that unchallenged belief that I’d share all those life events that other parents experience with their children. For support, for celebrations, to hold a hand over the bumps, for their grandchildren, to just grow old and to share the bonds of age. It is very hard to witness these and know they will never truly be mine.
Watching A’s love for Aleisha, his love for cooking, for life, for trying new things, his desire to travel and new ventures – was so special.
Grief is not worn externally but sits under your skin and travels with you till the end of time. In a blink of an eye, it rises above to spark a memory, to cause pain, to make you cry, to jolt you back to sadness and then it subsides and lulls you into a stillness…. For a while.
Life is not all about grief – there is so much more to life, but the trick is how to accept that, and to learn to live comfortably with grief, accepting its presence, knowing its always there and allowing it too just be.
Eleven years ago, we shared A’s birthday with him. It was a memorable evening, and it was to be the last birthday we blew out candles together. But I celebrate every birthday with A.
I share every day with my boy. He Is never far from me as my body holds all the memories, and love.
Today I cry, and so many days I still cry but in-between I remember my darling Aidan with a smile, with laughter and with those around me. This is what sustains me.
I look up often, and the rainbows, the clouds, storms, sunsets and sunrises carry A in them and bring to me. I will always weep and miss my boy as this grief of mine is for life.
For now, I will climb into my transformer that Aidan would have loved, and reminds me of days gone by, and go and sip coffee on the hill with him and sit quietly with my thoughts. Tears will drop and friends will connect. Tonight, surrounded by the love of friends I will sip a wine, and toast my boy and absent friends, and take a deep breath.
How can you mend a broken heart?
Aidan Cale Needham b 25.06.1986
