Today Laila Vaun would be turning 19.
A few days ago I was chatting to our 16 year old and we were laughing as I was telling her that as she walks her path there will be times when she remembers the words of her folks, she will silently acknowledge as the truth of life unfolds that we spoke many a true word.
Thankfully our youth shelters us from believing anything untoward in the future. We dream and aspire but refuse to take advice having to trip and fall ourselves before believing.
One of the pitfalls of youth is the selfishness and hurt that is bestowed on the parents as they find themselves and mature into adults. Some of us never do, others do it early and a few are late bloomers.
When I look back on my life I am grateful that I had no idea what lay before me. Turning 16 seemed a natural and obvious occurrence but little did I know that it would be a turning point in a life to follow of much tragedy, sorrow and pain.
Even as the highway of my life unfolded it never entered my realm of thinking that anything more could happen or that I could endure more.
Yet, I kept travelling those miles, at times my vehicle of life was fully laden, at other times empty and parked at the kerbside, sometimes just idling or switched off, or taking off again back on the road following its white line and path with an eye on the horizon.
I’m grateful to the mechanisms of life, that we accept and embrace the abundance and the hope of the day without pondering on what will be, so that when we are struck down it is a surprise and unexpected.
We bleed, we hurt and we bundle our pain up tight and store it in a corner of our heart and then pick ourselves up from where we left off.
Never the same, with a limp, a half smile and we try, we try so hard to make it all right for ourselves and those around us. I’ve lost, and lost again and keep losing but I gain much along the way.
I feel as though my life’s blood seeps slowly out of me, not fast enough to end my days but drip by drip, quietly puddling on the ‘other side’.
How lucky I am to be loved. To have friends and family. Their love and affection offsets the agony and puts a smile on my face, creates a cane for my limp and is a gift I never believed I would receive.
So bless you all, I am extremely grateful and words do not do it justice.
Happy birthday my sweet, sweet Laila
With love as ever from your brother who resides with you and your mother.
I look up and try to reach the sky and my children in the sun.
That same day I heard good ole Rod sing and these lyrics are how I feel about my kids – all of them – You’re in my heart, you’re in my soul… xxx
