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I sat on my bench in my garden in the quiet of the morning and let my tears flow. Sitting there made me acknowledge that I don’t allow myself the space to grieve or cry. And that when you’re not feeling good you need to let others know. For me that’s particularly difficult.
As I’m getting older and perhaps a little wiser, I’m learning to cry in front of others, to be vulnerable and speak my truth without shame or fear. And also recognising that I am strong and in control and know that I know myself and am fully aware of my pain, strength and vulnerability.
My thoughts this morning that awakened me were of Aidan and Laila, and how proud he was being a brother. He used to sit and watch her when she was a baby, making her laugh and changing her nappies, dressing up together, playing, watching Disney movies and singing along, making me breakfast in bed, chopping wood and sitting under the Christmas tree opening presents, and just loving each other.
Waking A in the middle of the night to take Lails to the hospital and letting him sleep on hospital chairs was part of our rhythm but he never complained, he was never grumpy, he just loved.
His gift to our life was his sheer joy in giving, with warmth and humour, and some mischievousness. Aidan warmed others to him and made life a little easier.
Watching someone you love hurting cuts deeply but they endure and fight to live. How often have I wanted to give up but remember that Aidan fought to live, even when he knew it was just for Aleisha and me, his mother. That the sick fight to live and that life is worth fighting for.
That is something I have had to learn to accept.
To love and give without expectation is another lesson I have had to learn. Its something I have always done but have been deeply hurt when turned against. This past year has been a time of reflection, of acceptance that trusting, loving and caring is not always reciprocated, appreciated or returned and that giving is a greater gift than receiving.
Aidan taught me that so much – he just loved me, he love Aleisha, he loved life but his fight for life, although immense and with such strength and conviction was not to be.
It doesn’t matter how many days pass – my sadness and pain will not diminish. Children do not understand the depth of love a parent has for a child – by birth or by association or by marriage.
But I do sit on my bench and listen to the birds, watch the kangaroos, the clouds racing by, or sit at the ocean and remember the days of fish and chips of the rocks, and cricket on the beach, playground and ice-creams, laughter and tears and an outpouring of love and warmth. And remember my children and the children I’ve loved in my life and on my journey, and smile at the memories and let the tears flow.
I love you my beautiful son Aidan Cale and wish I understood this life and the pain I bear. But I am so happy and grateful to have walked our short journey together and that you left me a beautiful legacy to embrace, love and cherish, who share our love.
Fly high my angel – the sky tonight was magical
XOX your mother
25.06.2024
