My life and change seem to go hand in hand.
Change. How often have we heard that word… sometimes embracing it, or ignoring it, or having no control of the change wrought in our lives. How I have envied some friends whose lives seem devoid of change and looks so nice, on an even keel. There are not many who blithely go through life unaffected by change whilst many of us are bashed around by the suddenness, and sometimes cruelness of change.
I have screamed at the universe that I would like my life to just be, for a while. Calm and quiet, moving sedately along as the seasons change. But I think I was born under a restless star that delighted in throwing me into a universe of chaos and an emotional quagmire of constant change.
Today is a typical example. Woke sad and restless knowing that as the sun rose, I’d have to rise and tackle the emotions that were sure to burst over me. Milestones that persist each year such as birthdays, weddings, a funeral, Xmas and NY will always be celebrations of life, and what has been, but are also reminders of what is lost. Just as I was about to set out to have coffee on the hill with Aidan and celebrate his birthday, Aleisha alerted me to the problem that Aidan’s Facebook page is missing! Not how I envisaged the start of my day to have lost A again.
I try so hard to keep whatever I can of Aidan. But I keep losing bits of him which is a horrible feeling. He used to be on my private health card, and then they removed him. The bank told me they will be removing A off my internet banking which was like a kick in the guts. I’m still hanging onto my Medicare card as he is no 2. Every time it gets renewed, I hold my breath to see if they ‘forget’ and leave him with me. I love looking at my cards and internet banking and see A is still with me. Now FB has decided to deactivate him. What next!
Desperation set in and my stomach churned as to how to get him back. How to stop more change when my day had barely begun. Fighting with a huge beast that has almost no contact with a human but sucks in all our info, and memories, and controls them. It made me mad and sad, and I decided to leave it till later as there was no fight in me.
Aidan’s spot was cool as the sun hadn’t climbed the hill, but the wind was still and the winter chill lifting. Fresh coffee, beautiful views and Aidan’s tree warmed me. A bleeding-heart bush with its burst of red leaves, which is growing in front of our tree, weeps for us all. And so, another year is passing, and my wonderful boy is growing older, although in our minds he will forever be the young A we loved.
Spending time at Sirromet was good for me. A few good changes have taken place there since we held Aidan’s wake on the terrace, and being outdoors with memories of the good times, we have all had there, was soothing for my soul, as well as being with friends and family who loved him.
Change can be swift, as it was with Aidan, and pushed us off course onto a path none of us wanted. But its what it is, and I am so grateful that my journey, that has been riddled with change, put Aidan in my life and let me be his mother and love him.
I am so sad, and I miss him every day, but I wouldn’t change what I had. It was a beautiful journey.
