I woke in the night and pondered the words ‘to wail’. My mother never wailed when my father died, she went to bed and re-appeared a few months later.
I weep or seep and have only one recollection of wailing. The receded wave of sadness, disbelief, rejection and heartache welled and my tsunami hurtled outward. I had to just let it wash over me and carry me emotionally and verbally from the depths of my soul to the universe beyond.
Why is it that for so many of us we are not taught to wail? Encouraged to show grief and let it out. Not to sob, wipe the tear away or snivel into a tissue.
Looking back I do wonder why I allow comforting others, making decisions and arrangements to get in front of sitting in my grief. Keeping busy is an easy deflection from pain.
It is not easy to keep reminding oneself that this is ‘my pain, my realty, my life’ and not look around at the suffering being experienced by others and feel that mine is not as significant, especially those that know how to wail. Grief is etched into every pore of their face, into the air that surrounds them and is carried on the wind for us to hear and experience.
Oh to be able to bear ones soul so completely.
So, as I am not able to do that… yet, I wrap myself in an emotional blanket and button it down, tight. Keeping the mind constantly busy and occupied so that there is no time to dwell, to reflect upon or to feel sad. These are fleeting moments in my day; a tear wiped away, a memory exposed, filtered, felt and put away. There is no time for solitude or reflection as the pain is too severe and the dark hole too deep to contemplate.
Have you ever experienced that feeling – that if I get in too deep I might never be able to return, to climb out. The flip side is that possibly there is always the ability to get out but the question asked is, are we strong enough to chance that.
Maybe one day I’ll find the space and courage to sit in an empty space and wail and know I’ll find my way back.
Onwards and upwards
Love Alison
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,
and you shall see that in truth you are weeping
for that which has been your delight.”
-Kahil Gibran