Recently experiencing a near-miss car accident and how the world slowed in that moment is what I experienced when Laila was born. Time slowed, my heart expanded, and this tiny beautiful human lay in my arms, energies expanding and intertwining, love just flowing.
It had been a roller coaster 9 months. An unexpected pregnancy, then tossed aside and abandoned, surrounded by shame and guilt which eventually, thankfully ignited my indignation and determination.
I don’t believe anyone at the time understood what I was going through, bits and bobs but not a clear view.
To have those you called family reject you, and turn their backs closing rank on you – the outsider – was awful and demoralising. My resolve deepened in the face of rejection, and the lack of morality bit deep. Many late-night calls to brothers on different continents, to my close friends debating the best way forward… the decision then made to keep this gift and go it alone.
I’m always fascinated, and often surprised at how much good comes out of adversity. Friendships strengthened, colleagues accepted and supported, others encouraged, and life opened up many opportunities for us.
Aidan was the most delighted as his wish list had come true, and not at all concerned about our changing circumstances. He was so proud, delighted and full of concern. My sweet eight-year-old.
A and I visited Australia 3 months pregnant for the first time. The change of scenery gave me room to breathe, to see new beginnings and to face up to, and accept, that no-one would break me. So determined and happy we returned home.
There were two people who mattered to me and I was unsure how accepting of the situation they would be. I sat down and wrote my story in a letter and asked if they were willing to put the past behind us and how wonderful it would be to have them in our lives. I was overwhelmed with the response and it was a good lesson.
Our brains have a way of fabricating stories, blowing situations out of proportion when in fact the truth is much simpler. We are so complicated – often acting first, thinking later, living with regret, or relief. We try to force relationships to work because we think we might be worse off without it, or not cope.
We are so desperate to fit some bizarre mould our parents thrust upon us. We bow to public pressure, try not to stand out in a crowd. We let others tell us how to live or think. They badger us and try emotional blackmail until we believe what they are saying about us. They try to break our self esteem and independence. They want us to think like them… to be like them, to rely on them.
I have been abandoned, bullied, belittled, cast aside and desperately tread water trying to keep the balance as I knew it. Life has a way of smacking us around and I got a huge sideways one.
I threw off the negativity and the bullshit and stood proud. Pulled at all my inner resources and found the strength to be proud of me. Looked and saw my own goodness and capabilities which enabled me to move forward and deal with everything that was thrown at me. I forgave myself and over the next few years forgave those who had hurt me.
Laila’s life was short but the impact of her life on many was huge.
Regret is a terrible word and can eat into your soul. If you have regret deal with it and let it go before it causes more harm. Acknowledge it and then decide on a course of action. Write a letter the old-fashioned way, a card or email to the person/persons whom you have wounded or hurt, or who hurt you.
If they have passed find a quiet space and talk to them, let the winds carry your words. Or light a candle and sit with your thoughts or write them down and then burn the paper.
The unburdening of a story is very cathartic.
I know I did the right thing for both Aidan and myself in bringing our darling girl into this world. Having Laila in our lives for those 3 years was a glorious, wonderous experience. It was also one of the hardest journeys of my life.
But without pain we are not living. Nor are we forgiving and growing.
Out of the ashes grows beautiful things, colourful and bright, and full of hope and life. Grow out of your ashes – give it a try, its worth it. And always walk with hope in your heart.
Miss you my beautiful daughter.
Wishing you a happy 25th birthday on Thursday – 9th January 2020
Fly high…
