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There will always be fingers pointed, usually only as murmurings from afar, often from those that are envious or jealous, but when it is from those that you think are close to you, or whom you love, who do it unexpectedly then the punch is hard, yet questionable.
At high school it was not my peers who struck but my teachers, because I stood up and stood out.
My life stripped bare when I was 16 and the bottom fell out over the next few years. The resilience of youth is amazing and perhaps that I also didn’t give in, or up, and just kept looking forward and pushing upwards.
I’ve always had my twin brothers who have held out their hands from close or afar in comfort and support. And luckily my small group of friends have carried and dragged me through many of my stumbles and heartaches, and still do. My journey has been fraught with sadness so being a part of it for these amazing people cannot have been easy.
But those closest who turn and point and cause irreparable harm are often entitled, having had a safety net through life, and have no reason to blame and denounce the past as a sham, pointing fingers and preferring not to take accountability for their part or actions, with lack of understanding.
I’m often amazed at how many choose which memories of the past to remember, or just rewrite those memories to back up their story or to complete their picture – whether truthful or pure fantasy, or just wrong. How sad is that, because it will always hurt someone, perhaps unknowingly or on purpose.
There is so much of our journey that most people whom we meet, or who pass though are blissfully unaware of. If we scratched the surface or spent time really getting to know each other we would be amazed at how arduous some have been, and if we took time to really know and understand before throwing stones, pointing fingers and just being awful, then perhaps life would be a little kinder for all.
My therapist has said I should write a book, take my blog and publish it and share with others. I started writing about Laila’s journey which abruptly stopped when I moved 8 years ago, and my life was packed in boxes. Maybe one day when I unpack and find my old journal, I’ll complete it but if you’d like a glimpse the beginning is here https://thepiratechef.au/laila/
My story continues, happily. My life has not been a lie.
I’ve lived it and taken responsibility for my role in it. I’ve survived losing both my parents young, raising my own two children who loved me unconditionally and I them. I’ve had to endure both my beautiful children being given life’s ‘odds’ and succumbing to those illnesses. I’ve embraced my life through the good the bad and the ugly, loving those around me and tripping along my various paths. Taking on a family and learning to love someone else’s children whilst mine was enduring his own.
Many of those around me couldn’t understand the grief of a 16-year-old whose father went away for a weekend and never came home. Many would only understand years later, or maybe not at all.
Many wouldn’t understand how finding out that you were lied to and found your mother dead when you were 23 was numbing and would affect you for years after.
Many will never understand that being told your daughter of 2 who you were raising as a single mom, had a 50/50 chance of survival, was your worst nightmare and that losing your baby shy of her 3rd birthday at 39 was unthinkable, and having to break that news to your darling son who was 11 was tragic.
Many can never understand immigrating with a son of 15 nor that settling in a new country was traumatic.
Many will never understand accepting a relationship with a man single handedly bringing up 5 children in a strange country and embracing them as your own.
Many will never understand when your son of 22 stands in front of you and apologises for putting you through another diagnosis after being told he has an inoperable tumour.
Many will never understand how beautiful it is to see your brave son marry the girl he loves.
Many will never understand when your son tells you he feels like he is waiting to die and how selfish you feel for enjoying every moment with him and willing him to live.
Many will never understand how broken you feel to have to say goodbye to your boy of 24, and the heartache that lasts forever.
Many will never know how much I have loved and lost and still love, nor will they ever understand.
Some will continue to throw accusations, stones, punches or whatever because it serves their story – their purpose. I say throw as much as you like and believe whatever lie your story lets you tell to comfort yourself or to make yourself better in your story, but I don’t care.
Its your lie and your life.
I live mine, surrounded by the family and friends who love, care and want me with them. Giving of myself fully to them in every way I can because I am grateful that they walk with me, that they have taken the time to see me, and bits of my journey and have chosen to hold my shattered heart with love and care.
I thank you for your help… to ground me, to find peace and happiness in each day and to love you all.
Today I celebrate my beautiful boy Aidan on his 37th birthday. He made my life whole, and he filled my heart with love, happiness, laughter and joy. I miss him every day.
Take each day as it dawns
Enjoy and love those around you
Smile and live life.
Alison XOX
the mother
