Last night I sat and listened to the rain pummel the roof while my tears dripped to the floor. I so wish that change stopped happening and that life could maintain the ebb and flow that I get accustomed to. But here I sit wishing my boy a happy birthday on my lounge chair in the dark of night accompanied by raindrops and feeling disappointed in myself that I’m so time poor and didn’t find the time to create a post for Aidan.
My scrambled thoughts trying to unravel my day and give me a semblance of order to the words I want to write. I know I’m my own worst enemy as I keep myself busy, drowned in work and committees, not giving myself time to breath and smell the roses. I do however always remember to look up and appreciate at least a moment in each day.
I opened A’s website and flicked through his photos. Each one brought back a memory and a recognition of time and place. The promise of life, of a future, of something new or just to be. Well that just made be sob as each thought just hurt.
The constant chatter in my head, the work and the meetings are actually what keeps driving me and getting me out of bed. Without them all those unanswered questions, thoughts and doubts would just keep resurfacing, incessantly spinning and turning like being caught in a hamster wheel. They don’t do me any good and pull me to low ebbs.
A friend asked after her 4-year loss if it gets better. Never. Loss just hovers under the surface just waiting to overflow at any opportunity.
Sometimes I can exert control and keep life bumbling along with little outward sign of this ‘under the surface turbulence’. But sometimes it just bubbles out like an inner volcano that just erupts when it needs to. Often taking me by surprise but most of the time I know the triggers.
It’s the bitter sweetness of life that I often struggle with and try to accept. Knowing there is much that I will never experience, that I have to witness others doing. These are often the most difficult moments to bear.
Many cannot understand my need to keep busy, to work, to be involved and to tease my head but I know if I stop and be still for too long it’s possible the stillness will overtake me and paralyze me, forcing me to peer into that dark hole that beckons and I fight to stay out off.
Everyday is a tussle of mind, will, memories and living.
A few hours yesterday I spent with little miss Ruby and her wonderful mother, Aleisha. I know how lucky I am to have a daughter in law who still wants me as part of her life and shares her bundle of joy with me, filling some of those holes in my heart. I kissed those adorable cheeks and remembered how I loved kissing Aidan’s.
He was such a wonderful, loving, caring child who just shared his open heart with me so easily. The rumble of laughter, the easy jokes, the big hugs and the ease of his nature and kindness combined with his openness to talk and share made him easy to love and enjoy.
As many of us who have lost do, we persecute ourselves with doubt, and question if we did enough and loved enough. Did we pass on bad genes and cause this or was it just life and chance? I try hard to not keep going to those thoughts knowing if I continue on that path I might have to find a cliff to jump from.
So, I climbed into bed with the rain still thundering down and put my feet onto my hot-water bottle for comfort and sobbed into my pillow until darkness and sleep enveloped me, unsure if the dawn would greet me.
I woke and it was today, and I survived another birthday.
Aidan, I loved you before you were born, I loved you while you lived, and I will love you till I am no longer breathing. Happy birthday my darling boy, for yesterday! XOX
