I’m in ‘pause’ mode at present. Time to reflect and give my beautiful Laila my full attention.
19 years ago we wheeled her though the bright sun to her ward in G1, to release her from all pain and suffering and to break my heart, Aidan’s and so many others.
I gaze upon her photo and see those huge blue eyes staring back at me and my throat burns. Time does not take any of that away…
Time does not diminish the burn in the throat, the tears that threaten to fall, the body that aches or the heart that does not heal.
On social media when someone dies some of the messages are annoying, to me. I know they are written out of love and kindness but, speaking to Ren last week I tried to put into words what I was feeling and she summed it up for me – platitudes.
Possibly at a time of loss for many friends and family there is a lack of understanding of death and loss so poems, words of wisdom and thoughts are put out there. Only now it is in a public forum and are read by many.
There are some thoughtful, provoking ones but there are also those that I now refer to as ‘platitudes’
My thoughts are, if you have not experienced death, pain, loss, accident, whatever, rather just speak from your heart.
I believe our initial reactions would be… how tragic, that’s awful, OMG I’m sorry to hear, how dreadful, anything I can do, please call if you want to talk, or need any help, I have no idea what to say…write how you feel as we can all identify with that, the words are real and speak to our hearts.
To write that time will heal all, is poppycock / twaddle / rubbish
Time is what we learn to live with, how to change ourselves to accommodate that, and accept that that is the way it is, and always will be.
This morning when I woke I stared out the window at a blustery start to my day, and let the sounds of the dawn pacify me.
I talk to Laila and Aidan, sometimes on the wind, sometimes in my car, sometimes just in my head as I did this morning staring out the window. I tell them I miss them, I ask them to look after each other and I tell them I love them.
Then I got up and started my day.
Now I sit and reflect as the time of Laila’s passing draws near and remember just holding her quietly and willing her to breathe. Hoping.
Hope is a glorious thing and without it I could not live, none of us could. We all live in hope and belief that miracles happen and life goes on. For me when life ends hope is never diminished. It just reshapes itself and that gives me hope.
I hope that you are having a good day. I hope that your universe is being kind to you. I hope that if you are not well that at this moment you are coping and not in any pain. I hope that for many as the clock ticks over that you have a happy start to your new year. I hope that the year ahead brings you much joy and happiness. I hope that if you are hurting or not coping that you can find comfort from someone. I hope that if you ever feel alone that you will reach out. I am always here as I am sure are others and that we are never really alone.
For some there is loss today, an illness, a hospital bed. One family lost their house today. Another is waiting a diagnosis. A few are alone, some are sad and others are working. Spare a thought to those less fortunate and take care tonight.
At 5pm I will drink a toast to my children and especially to Laila as I sit on the hill and remember my remarkable girl who made my heart swell with a love I never knew possible.
Laila Vaun Rip
09/01/1995 to 31/12/1997
