An interesting message was sent to me via a lawyer saying that I’m trying to replace my dead children and initially I was taken aback that such a malicious statement could be made. Then I sat back and pondered from whence it came and realised that anyone who can walk away from their children would have no concept of what it is really like to have the sense of love, responsibility, dedication and loyalty to one’s children that most of us have.
Some chose to leave their children and pursue a different life, or just simply because their new life is more important and leaving is easy because they want to or believe it’s a better option (ask many divorced people…)
I don’t believe that any of the above ever consider, at that time, how they would feel if one of these children left behind should fall seriously ill, or become terminally ill or suffer abuse, become disabled or die.
Why should they ? I think most humans believe they are infallible; not believing that tragedy could happen to them and that they will grow old gracefully and all will be well. How many people do you know who do not worry about preparing a will or saving for their retirement or old age. Or who believe their children will die before them. Most do not like to contemplate tragedy, the blinkers are on and many suffer because of it.
Others never consider the consequences of their actions, just swan their way through life hurting others and their children but never taking responsibility, just living a selfish existence, always blaming others and never looking within and acknowledging that the blame lies inside and not externally. Geoff always told me to be careful when pointing fingers as there are always three pointing backwards towards you.
I was brought up knowing that I am accountable for every decision I make as ultimately those decisions will have a direct bearing on those around me and on myself. I can only blame myself if the decisions I make backfire or don’t work out as expected.
So, I try to live my life so that I will never have to say – if only.
My children have been the most important events, journey, purpose, decisions, parts and love of my life. Whether they were planned or just happened I have accepted the consequence and lived with it to the full. Always making sure that they were ok, working hard to provide for them, organising and arranging life as a single mother to ensure that they were well taken care off, fed, clothed, schooled and happy. Personal sacrifices were made along the way and I carry the scars of some. Then caring for the kids when they were sick and saying goodbye to them, making sure they understood how much I loved them. I made sure that they knew how important they are to me and that I would give up my life for them if I was able.
Replace them. I don’t think so. Children are not replaceable. People are not replaceable. Everyone is different and so we love them differently in different spaces of our hearts and soul. The umbilical cord that joins me to my own children can never be severed and will be with me till I die as will the pain of loss.
My adopted children I love from a different part of my heart which is a learned love and acceptance. It is also a commitment that I make to them. With children you give birth to, the commitment should be there, just in the mere fact that you gave birth to them. For children that you acquire along the way, just as with a partner, a commitment needs to be considered, a conscious choice made and together with the love we experience and share, it becomes intertwined, then embraced, followed with a vow to each other to do this for as long as we shall live.
I know Aidan would be very proud to call the girls his family and to have more sisters. He would support me in adopting and he would never accuse me of trying to replace him or Laila.
So instead of allowing a misguided statement to upset me it has made my resolve stronger as I know that I am doing what was asked of me, and that it is the right thing to do. I made a commitment to these children many years ago and I promised the three of them that I would be there for them for the rest of my life. Whether the law recognises this or not is immaterial so long as we know that the right intent is there. The commitment is real, strong and true. That love is binding and I am proud that they think of me as a mother, their mother and love me as such.
That they have shared those magical youthful moments with me, and with Aidan, that we have shared so many years together, much joy and laughter, many tears and heartache but mostly filled with hope and dreams, love and happiness – has been a blessing.
They have helped me keep afloat, given my life some purpose and kept me busy !
I still have many dark days. Memories float through and cloud my sunny mornings, pain stabs me at odd moments when least expected, songs stray in and upset my balance, thoughts cloud my vision and tears wash my face but I keep moving, mostly forward. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Maybe one day I will make sense of it all but for today I will embrace my girls, celebrate my birth children and not allow another’s remarks to spoil the day.
Onwards and upwards, may the universe give me strength, my heart give me courage and may my soul keep my spirit fuelled.
With love
Alison
Rest easy my beautiful children – Aidan (25/06/1986 – 20/10/2010) & Laila (09/01/1995 – 31/12/1997)
In the evening of my life I shall look to the sunset,
At a moment in my life when the night is due.
And the question I shall ask only I can answer.
Was I brave and strong and true?
Did I fill the world with love my whole life through?
thank you Mr Chips !