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There are times when I feel like I live in some sort of ‘us and them’ experience – difficult to explain how I feel but let me try.
I was standing in line waiting to order a coffee and noticed that the lady in front of me had a tattoo at the base of her neck.
It was of a small pair of feet, similar to an imprint the soles of your feet leave in wet sand, plus the date of birth and death of her young son with an inscription… a son, a brother, you will never be forgotten.
We all look relatively normal but for those of us who grieve we are not yet, those around us want us to be, and in many ways expect us to be ourselves.
How can you ever be when you lose your child, how can you ever be the same?
I feel that I am a marked person. Outwardly I look normal but inwardly I battle to survive some days and others I do.
How easily those around us assume that we are over the hump, out of mourning, that we are back in the saddle and getting on with it.
Unfortunately we are marked for life, our life will forever be a daily challenge and the angst we feel will always be ours alone.
To be marked or not to be marked – that is my question.
Should we wear an armband, a wristband or a tattoo so that when we pass each other in the street we can stop and give comfort as there is a mutual understanding of the grief. There are too many sad, bereft people in this world who have no one to share their stories with and receive comfort.
I try so hard to hide my grief so that the people around me feel more comfortable. I breathe every second of every day and have no idea why. Why are we left standing over the pile of dirt with its marker and memories in our heart?
Memories, cards, emails, texts and clothes are all the physical parts that tie us to our sadness that keeps our pain anchored.
I miss being hugged by my children, I miss A’s texts, his love and concern for me.
It’s not replaceable
That’s what hurts
It leaves a hole
Too deep
Too dark
Empty
Jump in or stay on the edge?
It takes strength and stubbornness to stay in the light.
So, maybe a tattoo like a name can anchor you to life. Never to be forgotten, always a reminder of what is, what has been and what lives with you forever.
Today marks your passing A, it is a time for reflection and for me to share love with those still around me. I drift towards the written word as the verbal one will trip me up and be my undoing.
I cherish every memory, it sustains me yet saddens me but I soldier on.
I send love to all those who hurt, who have lost, who have suffered or who still suffer. May you find peace in the setting sun, in the rising moon, walking in the autumn leaves or in the chill of the early morn or just sipping a cuppa tea and listening to the daily sounds of life.
Take care and be kind to you.
Alison
My darling son Aidan Cale Needham who was born on the 25/06/86 and left us on the 20/10/10
My beautiful daughter Laila Vaun Rip who was born on the 09/01/95 and left us on the 31/12/97
My wonderful daughter, wife of Aidan, Aleisha, and to my adopted children, my thoughts and love to you.