As I sit bathed in the early morning sunlight I fell battered and bruised. Burning eyes and a dense sadness constricts my heart. Staring out over the water to the island in the distance I should feel joy at just being alive, and healthy in such a beautiful place.
Last night I sobbed as if my world was at an end. Wounded by words and lack of. I did not think that I could hurt that much anymore – and I did which was a surprise! Realising that I can break more…
I know that the dawn of the 20th is on my horizon and that these weeks of October are huge, unspoken obstacles that I need to face and climb over annually. But it’s not just about October. It is about losing my children. Not just my blood children but all of them. Adopted children of the heart will always have three parents. Two blood and one other. It is always being the other that is tough and comes with no guarantees. With blood children love is unconditional and it is only the journey of life and the choices made that can tear it asunder. I hope that the unconditional love I have shared is enough and a future will unfold. I cannot get over, and on, with my grief and unmentionable sadness. I have lost both my blood children and their unconditional love.
Now I watch other journeys from a different spot and yearn for what was mine.
As I remain in my chair and the sun warms and spreads I’m gently nudged to look and listen. The birds are singing, my immediate world is waking and a new day is on its way – for better or for worse. The gentle breeze wraps itself around me as it moves past and I hear Aidan whisper ‘ hello mother’
I have fought and struggled so hard to still be here, and standing. Living and breathing each day. I cannot allow grief and words to strike me down and destroy the brittle thread that anchors me – or I will not survive. I might look solid but my will is fragile.
My life is full of wonderful people. Friends, family and adopted heart family.
– It is full of ‘moments’ to be remembered
– It is full of sunshine and passing days
– It is full of memories that sustain me
– It is full of laughter and tears
So I need to stand tall, breathe the sunshine and be still within to find my strength and fight, so that no one can destroy me, except me (or my body!)
One of the greatest lessons I have learnt is that I can only be who I am. I can only do my best and if it isn’t your best well I’m sorry about that. The universe never gave me a book on life as I left the womb. But I have always tried to live my life, to care for others, to give of myself, to stand in my own shoes, to be independent and always, to pay it forward. To give my children a good life and to be with them when they suffered and to comfort them when they had to leave.
I’ll toast the evening of my life tonight. I’ll welcome the dawn tomorrow. I’ll cry and rejoice for Aidan and for all those who love him… and then I’ll soldier on.
To my boy, I thank you for being you, for being so open with that love, for trying to shelter me in my dark days when we lost Laila, for pushing me to journey on, for our move, our new life, our laughter and warmth, honesty and for just loving me as your mom.
I miss you every day but carry you in my heart – always. X