by Alison | Jun 26, 2019 | .
Last night I sat and listened to the rain pummel the roof while my tears dripped to the floor. I so wish that change stopped happening and that life could maintain the ebb and flow that I get accustomed to. But here I sit wishing my boy a happy birthday on my lounge chair in the dark of night accompanied by raindrops and feeling disappointed in myself that I’m so time poor and didn’t find the time to create a post for Aidan.
My scrambled thoughts trying to unravel my day and give me a semblance of order to the words I want to write. I know I’m my own worst enemy as I keep myself busy, drowned in work and committees, not giving myself time to breath and smell the roses. I do however always remember to look up and appreciate at least a moment in each day.
I opened A’s website and flicked through his photos. Each one brought back a memory and a recognition of time and place. The promise of life, of a future, of something new or just to be. Well that just made be sob as each thought just hurt.
The constant chatter in my head, the work and the meetings are actually what keeps driving me and getting me out of bed. Without them all those unanswered questions, thoughts and doubts would just keep resurfacing, incessantly spinning and turning like being caught in a hamster wheel. They don’t do me any good and pull me to low ebbs.
A friend asked after her 4-year loss if it gets better. Never. Loss just hovers under the surface just waiting to overflow at any opportunity.
Sometimes I can exert control and keep life bumbling along with little outward sign of this ‘under the surface turbulence’. But sometimes it just bubbles out like an inner volcano that just erupts when it needs to. Often taking me by surprise but most of the time I know the triggers.
It’s the bitter sweetness of life that I often struggle with and try to accept. Knowing there is much that I will never experience, that I have to witness others doing. These are often the most difficult moments to bear.
Many cannot understand my need to keep busy, to work, to be involved and to tease my head but I know if I stop and be still for too long it’s possible the stillness will overtake me and paralyze me, forcing me to peer into that dark hole that beckons and I fight to stay out off.
Everyday is a tussle of mind, will, memories and living.
A few hours yesterday I spent with little miss Ruby and her wonderful mother, Aleisha. I know how lucky I am to have a daughter in law who still wants me as part of her life and shares her bundle of joy with me, filling some of those holes in my heart. I kissed those adorable cheeks and remembered how I loved kissing Aidan’s.
He was such a wonderful, loving, caring child who just shared his open heart with me so easily. The rumble of laughter, the easy jokes, the big hugs and the ease of his nature and kindness combined with his openness to talk and share made him easy to love and enjoy.
As many of us who have lost do, we persecute ourselves with doubt, and question if we did enough and loved enough. Did we pass on bad genes and cause this or was it just life and chance? I try hard to not keep going to those thoughts knowing if I continue on that path I might have to find a cliff to jump from.
So, I climbed into bed with the rain still thundering down and put my feet onto my hot-water bottle for comfort and sobbed into my pillow until darkness and sleep enveloped me, unsure if the dawn would greet me.
I woke and it was today, and I survived another birthday.
Aidan, I loved you before you were born, I loved you while you lived, and I will love you till I am no longer breathing. Happy birthday my darling boy, for yesterday! XOX
by Alison | Dec 31, 2018 | .
I decided to look up Aplastic Anemia and see if any progress had been made in their success rate. To many this condition is unknown as the incidence of aplastic anaemia is 0.7 – 4.1 cases per million people worldwide.
21 years ago, I lost my beautiful daughter to this rare disorder. I was told that she was a 1 in a million as at that time they had only seen it once before in a child of her age. The odds …50-50
It is not cancer, but serious, as the bone marrow is severely affected and there are very few blood cells left in circulation. Without adequate numbers of blood cells people with aplastic anaemia can become anaemic (low red blood cells) and more susceptible to infections (low white blood cells), and to bleeding and bruising more easily (low platelets).
Needless to say, it was like a fast rewind, as words of immunosuppressant drugs, immune systems, platelets conjured up memories of anxiety, disbelief, hope, happiness, sadness and grief. And of the beautiful baby girl who entered the world and filled our lives with unmeasurable love and joy.
21 years ago, I made the decision to take Laila off the ventilator and let her be. There were some who were angry with me for making that decision, and others accepted more easily. Aidan who was 11 at the time cried as though his heart would break. Mine was breaking but I had to be steadfast.
When Laila was first diagnosed her Doctor said to me that she would do everything in her power to try and make Laila better but if she felt that the time had come to make choices, she would tell me. That morning when I arrived at the hospital and stood next to Laila as she slept, she looked me in the eye and said the time had come. There was nothing more they could do and that it was now unfair to keep putting this child through more pain.
I understood as at Christmas, her presents still at home, I had stood next to her and watched Father Christmas come and wish her. Later she bit me and stared at me, those big eyes bored into my soul with sadness and made my heart ache. I couldn’t hold her just sit next to her and wrap myself around her as best I could.
So, I made my decision and told those close to me and just after 3pm on the 31st December we unhooked the machine and pushed her out of ICU, outside and back into the kid’s cancer ward where she had spent much of those past months. A small oxygen cylinder at her feet with a nose clip which helped her until we got her settled. We took it out and she lay on my lap and just breathed so quietly and slowly until her breath just eased away and all was still. Utter quiet is what I remember surrounded by vases of beautiful flowers, and filtered sunlight pouring through the windows.
Why oh why – I have no idea – and never for one moment did I think I would have to endure something rare and similar again… but I did – and the why oh why just rattles louder in my mind.
It is hard to believe that it is 21 years ago.
I do wonder what my happy child would look like today, as she will be turning 24 on the 9 January. Its all I can do …wonder… and try not to drive myself demented with questions that will never be answered.
I will drive to the hill after work and sit with A, and gaze out beyond and remember.
To the small person who lifted my heart to places I did not believe were possible – who bought joy to her brother and her mother and those that knew her – I give my gratitude.
Laila Vaun Rip
09.01.1995
31.12.1975
by Alison | Oct 26, 2018 | .
October is a month I celebrate two weddings, a passing and a funeral. It’s a time I reflect on what is and what has been.
I miss Aidan, and Laila in more ways than I can ever express. A deep-rooted yearning and sense of loss that I experience all the time.
I miss many others too that are absent from my daily life. The ones we don’t always talk about. As a parent, a friend and as a migrant there are many that I love, have loved, that have moved away or been left behind.
The cliché of someone being in your life for a season is a nice explanation of trying to understand why this happens. We love people and its painful to say goodbye. Sometimes that goodbye is harder if they do a U-turn and just leave.
I struggle to work out how these bonds are so easily broken, or why some die before others. Random or ordained …I carry so many scars, the hurt I bury deep within. To survive I need to stop tearing myself apart with adopted guilt, despair and unanswered questions.
I’ve asked myself so many times why I am still ‘here’.
Why are some oblivious to others, just forget them, or treat them disrespectfully, why do some inflict pain on each other, why do we still love and keep getting hurt, why do some have to die too early. It’s a cruel world but also a miraculous one.
Aleisha is soon to give the breath of life to her bump, and a new life brings renewed hope.
The seasons come and go, nature binds us all together, the storms clear and the sun warms us, the stars envelop us and suck us into their mysterious world.
I sit on our hill and look out over Aidan’s flame tree and see hope. Beyond in the valley the earth is greening up after the rains, the sun is beaming down, and the birds are in full song. Cars swoosh past behind me as they move people to school and to work.
It is fitting that tonight we are holding a fundraising event for breast cancer. It is one of the ways that I can pay it forward.
Life is not for nothing – it’s the time we are given to grow, to nurture and learn that even though we can suffer terrible sadness and heartbreak we can give back, and make a small difference in this world – to a stranger, to a child in hospital fighting cancer, to a survivor of breast cancer, to a homeless person or someone suffering abuse, or saving a koala. Its about becoming more open to the good in each other, to put selfishness aside and to try to not take this life for granted. We only know this moment and the past.
I sit with my memories and celebrate Aidan and thank the universe that I have these to hang onto.
Miss you, your warmth and kindness, your strength and your love my darling son
by Alison | Jun 25, 2018 | .
We all need something to believe in, to make sense of this sad, crazy, happy world we live in.
Last Friday I sat amongst tears at a wake and heard of fairies, hope, life, accomplishments and sadness.
I wish I could see the fairies dancing at the bottom of my garden, and all our lost ones dancing among the stars. I hear them, I feel them over my shoulder and in my space. Be that love, or energy or just belief it doesn’t matter because as I said to my beautiful therapist, it doesn’t get better…
I just hurt, I’m just soo sad, I ache, and I miss my children and I accept that I will till I take my last breath.
When brother Michael was with me and we were walking through the rainforest we talked and agreed that this is an awesome place to live. I have Aidan to thank for that – it was his dream and tenacity that helped me make the choices for us, that brought me to the place where I am today.
His darling Aleisha will soon be a mom and bring a wonderful addition to our family. I know this is not my mine but I have loved so many that are not mine, as I will this one. This much loved baby will add joy to my shattered heart.
I don’t live with regrets. I am sorry for some of the choices I have made in life, and how I handled those choices but good or bad, I’ve lived with those choices and made them work or moved on.
Life is about choices, in seizing the moment and putting yourself in the path of random events and capitalising on them. Its about taking a leadership role in your life. Errors and failure, disappointments and heartache will always happen. Its how we get up and go forward and get stronger that’s important. Recognising the need to get back up gets you stronger, and helps you push forward and upward.
Life keeps me here, anchoring me to my sadness but also giving me time to seize moments and keep getting back up.
Its easy to act in the moment with all our technology, and hurt and wound as we move through our digital world, removed and distant, without a thought of consequence or emotional backlash.
Consider your next choice. We only know this moment and the past, the next moment could be your last, or it could be the start of something new. Embrace life, be aware and care for those around you.
Don’t live selfishly – think of others and pay it forward.
Happy birthday my darling boy – Aidan Cale XXX
by Alison | Dec 31, 2017 | .
Have you ever needed to be busy, to fill the silence, to fill a void, to maintain a sense of normalcy? It seems to be a difficult concept for some to understand yet I believe there are many of us who do this and many reasons why.
A question I have been asking myself of late is when is old age, how old must one be to be considered in your ‘older years’. With so many people still active in business in their 70’s that I know and admire, then the answer to myself is 80. So then how old should you be to retire… or is that a bygone concept. Do we ever really need to retire?
I’ve been told to not work so much and that I should take more time out. If I should take this advice I wonder if they will be there to scrape me off the floor should I sink that low, or if the emotional darkness should overwhelm me if they will visit and talk to me…
Advice is easy but I often wonder if this advice is coming at me as a means for us all to conform to the concept of retiring… of getting to that age when we should be slowing down…of all being the same. Why?
Why on earth should any of us retire if the drive and energy is there spurring us on. Enjoying the daily challenges, interacting with like minded people, being creative or just keeping busy …reveling in the fact that life is precious and can be fulfilled in so many ways. I think its personal.
For peace of mind I keep busy, the restlessness of my inner self and my emotional turmoil is pacified by busyness. Creating a direction, a reason for waking, and a sense of purpose. That does not mean that I don’t find the time to enjoy a coffee, chat with a friend, sip a wine and celebrate the day, or travel.
Its been about slowly finding my balance. As time becomes my equilibrium, a bit like a metronome that keeps pace of where I am and the changing beat, I can feel that rhythm alter, mirroring my sorrow and the acceptance of time, as well as the joy enjoyed, and the happiness felt. Its complex but it’s my reality.
Work helps set me free so why would I want to slow down, to grow old before my time because someone came up with the concept that work is a drudge and should only be done for a period of time. Someone also said women should be paid less than a man, should not be able to vote, should keep quiet…well… I say it’s time for a different reality.
Lets enjoy each other, only grow old when it suits you, find that peace within that lets you swim upstream and stand tall.
Fact is I’m in pain and will always be in pain. I’m also healthy and happy. Family and friends and work give me a reason to remain and to be me.
I stand tall and embrace each day, tackling each minute head on whether it is in pain or in laughter. I’ll keep fighting until life decides I’m done.
My beautiful daughter slipped out of this life in my arms before we could enjoy a new year together with our beautiful boy at our side. Today I acknowledge my mourning not just for Laila but also for Aidan as I face another year ending without them. However, I will raise my glass and celebrate the first day of a new year. It’s the circle of life, it’s the swing of my metronome, it’s the essence of who we are.
May the force be with you and 2018 be whatever you want it to be, dream big and reach for your star.
Onwards and upwards
