by Alison | Aug 20, 2011 | .
When you are at a point in life in which you have to face an extreme emotional time, knowing that it will tear you apart yet, you still offer to share that moment. In return all you wish for is a physical reassurance that you are held, supported and loved.
Instead there is a stand-off, a distance and you’re told you are demanding.
In that instant the realisation smacks you that this is an insular journey. Few can understand, some will try, a handful will ride it with you and the rest will immerse themselves in their everyday lives.
An injured bird is looked at sadly and some will try to nurse it back to health. A child with its arm in plaster is treated with care and many will write fun things on the cast. Someone in a wheelchair or without a limb on crutches or a cancer patient who is obviously ill will be constantly treated with care and understanding and never thought of as demanding. Why is it that unless the human form looks broken or disabled there is limited or no recognition shown?
Personally, I feel as though a sledgehammer has shattered every bone in my body – that my internal organs have been rearranged and damaged so that I don’t recognise or feel them anymore yet, my form is intact. I look like me!
Demanding?
There are many forms of death. Instant – sudden – premeditated – long suffering or expected. After Laila died I attended a support group for families who had lost someone. I sat there and felt insignificant when hearing their stories of suicide, murder, drunk drivers, petrol bombs, drownings etc. Compared to mine their grief cut deep due to the horrific circumstances of many and I allowed it to trivialise mine.
Later, in counselling, I acknowledged that my grief was different. It lacked tragedy of that magnitude yet, it was mine and relevant to me.
With this in mind I started a support group for parents who had lost a child through an illness. Who had birthed a child, lived through a diagnosis, hope of survival, an illness, treatment, a few a transplant, hospital life, then having to say goodbye or prepare yourself, knowing that hope was exhausted.
This is a different death. A different journey and one not often talked about.
Now it’s my time to survive Aidan and so the circle of life continues. I do believe that parents should not have to bury their children and survive them, it is just not fair.
Over the years I have met wonderful people, talked about how it felt, how we coped and still cope, what we experienced, how grief has torn families apart, that men and woman cope differently and that in itself can be destructive.
What’s perceived as demanding is nothing more than our inability to cope. That in fact it is an extension of our hand, willing someone to care enough, to see through the mist of pain that lives around us like a moat, to just reach out, to bend, to yield to ego, and to just take it and hold onto it.
It’s a leap of faith to travel with a broken bird, but deep within, a song can be heard and it’s the precious notes of life that keep our hearts beating and the presence of saneness which helps us survive.
Love & laughter
Alison
R. Rodgers and O. Hammerstein II
When you walk through the storm
Hold your head up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There’s a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of the lark
Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone
You’ll never walk alone
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone
You’ll never walk alone
by Alison | Jun 21, 2011 | .
I am always amazed at the frailty of the human body, so easily destroyed or broken. Yet, housed deep within is unimaginable inner strength and resolve. Enduring capabilities that cope when facing adversity with untapped power and resolve, love, joy, sadness, heartache and much, much more.
We are surrounded daily with tales of these strengths; it touches us when in print, on the news, in the community, within our family or circle of friends.
However, we live our own reality so never diminish that. It is easy to be affected by the suffering of others and to put our own pain aside. How many of us have uttered the words “there by the grace of god go I” or “touch wood”. I’m a culprit of that, not taking the time to reach into my own soul and depths to discover my pain as I know that if I touch that far down I might never recover. Such is the pain and sadness of this journey I walk.
So, I take each day as it dawns and try and find brightness in every day to give me strength and a reason to keep walking. Aidan’s tenacity was a shining example of this.
I feel as though I am crumbling on the inside whilst to the world I’m the same maybe just looking a bit worse for wear ! As I take another step I see my own footprints ahead of me and the knowledge that I am walking in my own set is an awful and foreboding feeling as this time I do not have that wonderful child next to me holding my hand, making me smile and feel that it is all worthwhile.
Aidan’s birthday is fast approaching and I can feel my body ache and the tears hover waiting for permission to expose themselves. How I miss my dear boy, every minute of every day.
Then, I take a breath and think of my dear friend just out of hospital fighting her own demons, another beautiful girl surviving cancer, my inspiring daughter in law coping with the loss of her soul-mate, husband and friend, a wonderful friend coming to terms with the betrayal of her marriage and the reminder is constantly with me that if you scratch the surface of all our lives, beneath lies some catastrophe, sadness, hurt, illness, pain and joy.
For each of us the road we travel is fraught with unbelievable highs and lows.
It’s how we get through them that is important and how to find the balance within to keep us going. I believe that without joy and laughter we would never make it. Laughter makes us draw breath which adds lightness to our being. The other emotions are dark and dreary and we drag them around like an anchor, weighing us down. Aidan laughed from deep within his belly. His body would shake and that would make me laugh and what a good feeling that was, sharing a moment, lightening our load just for that instant.
All around us are stories of sadness, soldiers dying, car accidents, drunken behaviour, family murders, an idiot with a gun, sudden death, ill health and just growing old.
Life is so fragile. Aidan showed all who travelled with him that it is not difficult to be nice, to be polite and friendly, to say thank you and I’m sorry, to be fair and loyal. I propose that we remember to rejoice in each other. Smile at strangers, work colleagues, family and friends. Be kind to each other. Think twice before you say ugly words to the people you love. Don’t hurt others intentionally. Choose your friends well. Read daily uplifting affirmations. Light candles. Be grateful for the people in your life. Take care of each other. Sing wildly. Pray or meditate whatever rocks your boat. Find your sense of purpose, try and be happy, take care of you and don’t feel alone.
I thank the universe daily for my family and friends without whom I would not have survived this far nor would I be able to continue further. Trying to make sense of it all can wait another day.
On Saturday, 25th June, we will celebrate the Pirate Chef’s 25th birthday and will send Aidan all our love as we do every day. I never thought for a moment that he would not be alive and with me on this journey but he will always be beside me.
Please join me in wishing my beautiful boy and Aleisha’s husband a Happy 25th Birthday ….Hip hip Hooray… love ya A
May the heavens shine forth with twinkling stars in the night sky and celebrate the kindness of his soul, as we light candles and bless him.
Love & laughter
Alison
20/10/10
The Road’s End
When I come to the end of the road and the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room, why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not too long and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once had, miss me but let me go.
For this journey that we must all take, and each must go alone.
It’s all part of the master’s plan, a step on the road to home.
When you’re lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends you know.
And bury your sorrow in doing good deeds; miss me but let me go.
